STEP 10
Down and Out

One of my favorite parables in the Gospel is the Parable of the Prodigal Son. I could easily relate with the characters of the story especially to life of the youngest son because I know that I’m also a prodigal person in so many ways. The poverty within my self will be triggered every time I encounter things thinking that it will satisfy my needs and wants. The attitudes of the eldest son are also working in my self. What helps me realize every thing is the compassionate and forgiving heart of the father that being shown to me without cost. I had been cherished the goodness and love of God in life. With my weakness and pride, the overflowing love of God was sometimes abused and taken for granted because of my personal interest. That love that I receive was kept within myself and even failed to share it to other people.
The experience that always comes back in my mind is the event that happened during my high school life. Like the prodigal son of the parable, I realized that I am loved by my parents and the people around me. Before I studied high school my parents always reminds of not entering into vices especially in using drugs. As what other students had experienced, curiosity pushes me to break the expectation and trust of my parents. I know that I am love by them but because of the evil thing in mind, this love was not valued. At that very crucial moment of my life I thought that my parents will abandon me but as what the father had done in the parable, my parents gave me chance to realize my mistake. At that out and down of my life makes me feel that my parents love for me is like the love of the father in the parable.
As I enter the seminary, there I deeply realized how I am loved by God not only through my parents but also of the people who experience the love of God in their lives. Many times I decided to go out in the seminary because of the problems and trials I encounter but there are generous people who will come unexpectedly for a help. The thing that they had done give me courage to continue and do the same to other people. One of the tendencies that make us down and out with ourselves is to accommodate things thinking that it will make become famous. We don’t have the knowledge to thank God for the blessings we received, but rather, familiarity and pride teach us to adopt things and to help for a return. Jesus wants to show us that I doing things is for the good of every body without expecting anything in return. What He wants is to make us realize that every thing were given to us freely, we should also share what we have for free.
The problem of doing this sometimes that will over power our poverty is the attachment to the things, like the rich young man in the Gospel. We had the idea of what are the good things to be done to follow Jesus but our material things made us to suspend our willingness. It is then good to realize that the things we had acquired come from the people who were blessed by God. As a seminarian I should know how to manage these things as a help to achieve my dream. To receive these should not be the hindrance to our way to live with God but to always acknowledge our poverty behind Him. The tendency of missing this point is to have exclusivity to the persons or things that we believe would give us the satisfaction and happiness we wanted. This is then time that we will fully down and out with the right direction that we want to follow.
With all the experiences I encountered, what I am always praying to God is that He may always make contented of what I have now. In order for me to appreciate His immeasurable love, He may always give me courage to share the things that I have to the other people who need it, without any hesitation or doubt. I know that my experience of being loved and to love will be my stepping stones of loving God in return. I believe that if every thing will be made or done out of love, God is always there to make the things bear fruit and people will be happy. May we always share the faithfulness of God to His people for us to continue our journey of faith out of His love.

STEP 9
Christ Encounter

Since Childhood I always hear the name “Jesus”, from my parents and my religion teachers. Mother would also share to me stories about Jesus as what gave to her catechism classes. I also met a missionary priest who became my inspiration of knowing who Jesus is through his action. These experiences were gathered and reflected for me to go beyond in my quest of experiencing and encountering Jesus in my life.
During our recollection when we were still in the college seminary, we were asked to look for a thing or a person that symbolize Jesus of our lives. Without any confusion I chose my beloved parents as Jesus of my life. I believe that all the things they had done for me are enough to say that Jesus’ action are the same things they manifested to me. If Jesus sacrifices himself for the good of his people, my parents had also sacrifice for me become a good child. The love that my parents had shown is also the love that Jesus had given to His people. They want me to be a good Christian by teaching and showing me the right things to be done. Many times I made to go against their will but they always find way to make me realize and change my wrong doings. They never abandoned me in terms of trials and problems but rather they are there to understand and to be help with my situation. I encounter Jesus with them because I know that the things they had done for me will continue to be given to me as long that they are still their. The Jesus that I know through them has no difference with the Jesus that I want to follow now.
One of the persons whom I acknowledge as part of my vocation is a missionary priest of Scorboro Fathers in the person of Fr. Patrick Kelly. This priest happened to stay in our house for almost six months for a mission. Every time he went to the mountain to visit our “lumad” brothers and sisters, I always go with him. The thing that inspired me a lot is his generosity and eagerness to help and to be with people whom considered least in our society. The way he made these things, I saw the happiness in his face. I am very proud of him and every time we do it again, inspiration and happiness I also feel inside. Looking back every thing as stay in seminary, I found out that he manifested the action that Jesus had done to people in the time of His ministry. My encounter of that priest which inspired me is my encounter to Jesus who is the pattern his action and generous life.
Looking at the life of Jesus especially when he was crucified on the cross for our good is difficult even if we just imagine how it happened. I can say that it difficult especially at the time of His crucifixion because I am once experienced to be hanged on the cross. It was a culture of our parish to have a dramatization of the passion and death of our lord Jesus Christ. I am ones chosen to act the as Jesus of the presentation. Before the presentation I told my companions especially the persons who will scourge to do it with force. In the actual presentation everything that wanted were happened. Hanging on the cross and as I feel all the pain in my body I realized many things about Jesus. That was the time that Jesus is telling me that, “This is the way that I want to show you how much I love you. This is the thing that you will experience if you want to follow me.” That event of encountering Jesus is significant in my life because every time I celebrates holy week I want to do my best to feel heartily how Jesus is very important in my life.
Hearing and reading the Gospel also helps me to know Jesus but sometimes it will not penetrate into my heart, mind and actions. The best thing of acknowledging His loving presence is to make Him present in every thing we do. Every day is a matter of encountering Him but we sometimes neglect His existence in our experiences. It is good to acknowledge that He is the right person to be encountered for us to be reminded that in every thing we do He is always present. Those simple yet important and meaningful encountering of Jesus remains in my li8fe and I’m sure that it will continue to inspire me as I continue my journey in life.

STEP 8
The Experience of Spirit

The presence of the Holy Spirit is always in our lives. There are instances that we failed to acknowledge his presence because as we know it comes in mysterious way. Most of the time we made to acknowledges the presence of the Holy Spirit if we try to reflect the events or things that come in our lives. Looking back with my own experiences, I cannot imagine how these things come in unexplainable way.
Sad to say but is the truth that during my college life in the seminary formation, I failed to give importance to the celebration of the Holy Eucharist. I consider this celebration as part of my regular daily routine because every time we celebrate it, nothing is happening to me but to sleep and always tired during the celebration. What I am doing is just a participation to show to the formators and to the community that I am there. Even if the bishop is the presider of the mass nothing has change with the usual thing I am doing during the celebration. Although there are times that I want to focus but it seems that my body was already programmed on the things that I used to do. The dispositions of my brothers also trigger me because I noticed that it is not just me doing it but also some of them. For almost three years this is the thing that happens to me. When I reach fourth year, there is a little changes because at that time I want to prove that I can be a model of my younger brothers. But again the value of the celebration was not given more importance.
I reached Saint John Vianney theological seminary bringing this attitude during the mass. More or less four months of doing the same thing when I made to be awakened and realized the importance of this celebration into my life. That was in the month of September that unexpected event happened to me with regard to the celebration of the Holy Eucharist. One morning while the mass was celebrated, I happened to saw the smiling face of Jesus steering at me. At that time everybody was kneeling down, I feel sleepy at that time because I slept late at night in doing lot of requirements. I feel that my head was too heavy that I was soon to full on the floor. My immediate reaction was to be awake and have a glimpse on the altar. That was the time when the bread was enthroned by the priest and I clearly saw the smiling face of Jesus and it seems that He is telling me something. After that event my body mood was suddenly changed, my tire was lost as if I am not tired and sleepy. At first, I found difficult to think what pushes me to experience that kind of unusual event. At the end I realized that it was the work of the Holy Spirit to make awake and to value this celebration in my life.
The miraculous event that I had experienced helps me to intensify my life in giving importance to Holy Eucharist not only as a seminarian but a Christian who believe that it continuously gives us life. After that event and until now, I am trying my best to be attentive, focused and active during the celebration of the Holy Eucharist. It is then the time that I deeply acknowledge how the Holy Spirit works as the priest bless the bread and the wind to become the real body and blood of Christ. I also realized that as I go deeper and deeper with my relation to the celebration, I know that the work of the Holy Spirit will continue to be with me. This realization pushes to acknowledge that even if there are times that I did not give value to the celebration, the Holy Spirit is always with me but I just failed to acknowledge His presence. Every time I attend the Mass, the Holy Spirit that I receive continues to penetrate in my body and soul to guide me in everything I do.

STEP 7
Calls of Conscience

I noticed in my self that I am easily affected with the situation of other people especially if it relates my own experiences and vision in life. This feeling of generosity sometimes forces me of doing things even if it will come to end of sacrificing my self. My immediate reaction upon looking a certain situation is to find ways that I can extend my help. If I have nothing to do with that situation, the tendency is to blame my self believing that I have something to do with it but nothing I contributed. I acknowledge it as a gift from God that helps me realized a lot of things especially in our call to be a shepherd of our brothers and sisters in Christ.
One of my most memorable experiences during my college life in the seminary happened during one of our monthly home visits. Before I left the seminary I am thinking that as I ride the jeepney I should be sited inside because my comfortable place to ride is on the rooftop. I was sleepy and tired at that time because a night before we have our activity in the seminary and it is already morning when I slept. When I arrive in the terminal, the jeepney has still had vacant sits and I find my place. Five minutes before the jeepney to depart, I happened to look at on the near door and I saw the mother carrying her baby while standing. Without any hesitation I called her then offered to her my place and I transferred on the rooftop of the jeepney. While the jeepney is on the way, I happened to sleep, I lost the rope that I am holding and I accidentally fall of the road. I had less damage and wound in body because the jeepney run slowly for the way is very rough and I was happened to fall on the grasses beside the road.
The driver and the conductor were kept on blaming me why I stay on the top knowing that I am sleepy and tired. I feel shame at that time because I know that it is my carelessness why it happened. While I listened to the words of the conductor and the driver, I said to my self in silence that I have nothing to blame because I also know the reason why it happened to me. The woman with a baby approaches the driver and the conductor to stop scolding me and she explained the thing that I had done to her. After the event I realized that it is sometimes difficult to give something for the good of the other person especially if the effect is painful in your part. I am thankful to God after that accident because I realized many things; both positive and negative effects, and I felt that He never abandoned me because I only feel mild pains.
Another experience which I considered disappointment in my part is when my batch mate, best friend and parishioner was sent out in the seminary. I was affected when it happened because of the intimacy and the relationship that we had since elementary and only two of us came from our parish. He was sent out from the seminary because the formators notice that he has something to work outside. At that time, I want to blame my self thinking that I had done nothing to help him. It seems that my conscience is telling me that I am an irresponsible friend and brother. Reflecting and putting everything into prayer, I realized that the decision of the formators is helpful for him and for me to think what the best things are for us. To be open to the possibilities that maybe he is not really called to this kind of life and for me also to realized what are the good things I may able to do as I continue my vocation.
The moment I experience these, the only thing in my mind is to help, thinking that I have a responsibility to my fellow human beings. There are times that I will be affected of what I am doing as what happened to me in the jeepney but what gives me consolation is the thing that I gave to the person whom I knew need my help. That’s why if there are times that I will be failed to extend my help; my immediate reaction is to blame my self as if I am the reason of the failure. I don’t know why I have this kind reaction every time I encounter such situation in my life. One thing I am sure is that deep inside there is something that telling to feel and to do the things that I know helpful and beneficial to other people. I believe that in doing these simple things to other is one way of telling that I love Jesus because what I acknowledge deep inside me is His voice.

STEP 6

One of the advertisements sponsored by Jolibee is the conversation between a child and Aga Mulach. Every time that the question of a child will be answered, the child will also asked why it is the answer. The act of questioning like the child is a sign that human being is curious in searching for the truth in this world and some of the things were answered with facts and evidences by science. We are sometimes imprisoned with these realities that sciences had presented, which makes us suspend our search for the real things behind these partial things. The Mystery behind these things is the answer of our unending questions. Going beyond these things with our faith, we will be surely satisfied with the answer of our questions.
I remember one time when I facilitated a recollection, during the sharing one of the students stand up and courageously express his feelings. He honestly said that, “For almost sixteen years of his life, he never acknowledge the thing that God had given to him. He thought that everything he needs was already given or produces by the world. Speaking of happiness and pleasure everything the world can be provide. I thank him for being honest and true with his feelings. Because our topic at that time is all about God’s love, I asked him if he ever feel the love of his parents to him. His answer is “yes”. I explained to him and to his classmates how we were mysteriously brought out to this world. I let them acknowledge how this love of God makes us a human being by showing them the events behind the meeting of their parents, the possibilities that happened while we are still in our mother’s womb, things and the persons behind us as we reach this stage of our life. At the end of our session I asked him about his confusion and he said that he had this idea but he is just blinded with his personal view of the world.
Explaining to them how God’s love was manifested in this world, I remember my life as one of the student who graduated in a public high school and experience to have a recollection only when I am in fourth year. In my studies in high school, I already had the idea about God, but the questions that mostly prevailed in our minds were His connection to things in this world. It is very convincing in my in terms of knowing existence of things in this world because facts and evidences are well presented by science. Confusion and conflict in my mind was lessened until the day of our recollection had come. It helps me distinguish the greatness of God in this world. The explanation that I shared to my students is part of greatness that I learned and reflected about God. I know that there is still confusion in the mind of that students but I believe that his question is the beginning of seeking and acknowledging God in himself.
I am not certain about the effect of things I had given to students because even in my self a lot of questions with regard to the mystery of God remain in my mind. Even in my present situation I am asking how God given or done all these things in my life that until now I made to survive. One thing I am certain is that He is the one who is the source of everything that I have now. Because of his great love I made to survive and live my life, as I want to be. Asking many questions like the child, I believe that it will end to emptiness or nothing to ask but rather in acknowledging that there is one source or answer of everything and it is God. The thing that I am praying is that: as I continue to journey to this world of wonders, may He continue to guide me to become closer to Him.

STEP 5
The Heart’s Hunger

Looking our situation now a days, especially in terms of our social and economical needs, what most of longing especially the poor ones is to experience abundance and pleasure in life. In other words, we are always dreaming to have an escape from our difficult situation that’s why we are doing our best to reach and experience the happiness that we think will satisfy our human needs. No poor person have ever dream to become m poorer, but rather, we are always dreaming to survive and even to strive hard improve with our situation. Every one of us has our own view or idea what the life we want in the future. This dream pushes as to do our best to concretize what we are thinking the best for us. It is then a reality that as we go along the way to reach this dream, a lot of trials, sufferings and problems will be coming in our way. If we are not aware how to face them, it brings us far from what we are dreaming. We have nothing to worry because if this time comes, we already know who can help and bring as back to our real world.
Since young until I graduated my elementary years it is my dream to become a priest someday. What motivated me are my parents and the people, who inspired me to achieve that dream. When I reached my crucial life in high school, every thing was suddenly change because of so many concerns that come in my life. One of these things is the comparison of what will happened in the future. I thought that if I will become a priest, I have no monthly salary to receive in compare to a teacher or a soldier. One of the factors that push me to think those possibilities is the social and economic situation of family. I thought that my parents send me to school so that if I can finish my studies, I can help them uplift our poor situation. Because I am the eldest of the family, I also thought every thing was entrusted to me. I learn to live with my own because my family is far from the place where I study. Because of our poor situation, I made to sacrifice just to reach the vision that I want for my family and myself.
One of my memorable and unforgettable experiences happened a day before our baccalaureate mass. I happened to cry and it is somehow a cry of happiness and shame because of the brand new polo shirt, pants and a pair of shoes that I receive from my parents. At the beginning of my studies in high school, my mother brought me a new polo shirt, slacks pants and a pair of shoes for my school uniform. It is sad yet proud to say that this uniform survive until I graduated my fourth year in high school. The color of the white polo shirt was already dirty white, the pants were already faded and the pair of shoes was already old and tore. At the day of our baccalaureate mass I went to the church to attend mass, my classmates laugh at me because they notice that I have a new school uniform and the next day is already our graduation. I feel shy at that time but deep inside me is the joy and being proud because I feel the love that my parents want to show me in spite of our situation.
The events that I experienced during my elementary and high school years were given importance, deliberated and reflected during my stay in college seminary and even until now. Here I realized that my hearts desire during my elementary years and years prior with it is the real thing that makes me happy. The motivation of being with people without selection and to share them what I can is the real happiness. As I looked back the situation in my high school life I found out that most of our classmates who shall we say rich in our section wants as to be their friend because I know that they are happy in our companionship in compare to those who are their the same situation. I also found out that their standard situations makes them separated from most of us. If I try to put my self in their shoes, it is sometimes more difficult to live that kind of life especially if your attitude will be affected. That’s why realizing every thing makes me comfortable of my situation now because if am rich at that time maybe I am not in this seminary at this time.
Those experiences makes me realized that God has a greatest plan for me. I have that longing of reaching something but my experiences are telling me that God’s plan not the thing that I am thinking at that time. Like saint Augustine, he already experience a lot of things in this world but everything were the ways to realized and acknowledged the real destination of his life. The satisfaction for our hunger is the real food that comes from the Lord, which sometimes we rejected to eat. D. H. Lawrence Said, “Man has little needs and deeper needs, we are fallen into mistakes of living from our little till we have almost lost our deeper needs in a sort of madness.” I am near to be deceived by this little needs in my life but I believe that God had given me the wisdom and strength to realize everything. My desire to reach the real satisfaction and happiness that will satisfy my hunger can only be found to Jesus who is the main source of everything.

STEP 4
Escaping from Strange God

It is true that our environment or the people around us could be a factor that affects our understanding or knowing God. This knowledge will remain in our mind especially if we learned it since childhood. Family then as the basic foundation of this ideas has the important role to work on. Knowing who God is will become worst to the extent that a person will deny God, if he or she was never told about the relation of God to his or her life. There are times in my life that the “childish” idea about God will be recalled because I believe that this was the thing that I installed in my mind since childhood. But this idea as I grow with my understanding has also changes but of course with the help of the people behind me. My seminary life had contributed a lot in my search to know God and to give deeper meaning of this childish idea about Him. I know that I had a lot of false ideas or pictures about God but I want to focus on the idea that sometimes bring me to become idealistic and different from others.
I could still remember during my elementary years that I happened to ask my mother about the situation of my classmates; during the recess they had a lot of money to buy for snacks and they still have the extra money for the class in the afternoon. In compare to my situation, two peso at that time is enough for the whole day, what is important is to eat breakfast and lunch fully. Looking the situation, it came to my idea that God, who gives as life has favoritism. When I confronted my mother about it, he told me that in the eyes of God we are all equal and it just happen that our time to be like them has not yet come. Although my mother had answer well but this idea still remains in my mind. During my high school, this idea had become more complicated especially in putting this into the context of our needs, wants, and struggles. It seems that some of my classmates are well favored by God because every time they need money for contributions, automatically they will be given and the also have the extra money for donation. I feel shame in my part, because even my allowance for one week is not enough for my needs. Idea of superiority then is in my mind because I thought that they have something to than me. There are times that I am trying to do my best but it is sometimes painful in my part because my teacher and classmates never acknowledge it.
During my college formation, this idea was awakened because of a certain experience that make me say, “If God is like this formators of mine, I am not called for this kind of life.” At that time I have a difficult responsibility because we are graduating and I am the beadle of the batch. I never understood the thing that he wants for me because every time that the batch commits something wrong, every thing will be my burden. What is painful in part is the way he treated me, as if I am not worthy for that position and he never give me a chance to reason out. At that time, I feel that he is the one holding my vocation because I want to make things in response to what he wants. Everything was affected and I even come to point of living the seminary because of this situation. I also come to point of asking God, what are the other good things that my brothers had and it is not present in my person? Believing that I already done my best, I feel down because I feel that my formator never acknowledge my effort and struggle. It pushes me to thinking that other people are better that me because I only have this limited personally and ability.
This childish idea that I kept for many years in my life was given importance and was brought into prayer and reflection. I realized the thing that my mother had said, in which every one of us is equal in the eyes of God. The situation that blinded me for many times become a good starting point to acknowledge the uniqueness that God had given to each and every one of us. He gives us different talents and abilities for us to share to other people. The role of my formator is to encourage me that I have something more to share or to be done for the good of my batch and community. He wants me to grow not only in my relationship to my brothers but also to my relation with them, my formators. Bringing this thing into the point of view of Jesus, He wants us to grow not only with our mind or heart but rather, in all aspects of our lives and it is for the greater glory of His people. The way I struggle to vanish this false God in my mind, a lot of things I learned. I always hope and I pray that I may always acknowledge God as real as He is and be aware of strange God that will come in my life.

STEP 1
The First Freedom: From False to True Self

It is an undeniable fact that everyday of our life is a struggle to fight in order to survive and live. As Gallagher said; “Through each day of each life flows a fascinating river called consciousness. Sometimes that stream is smooth, clear, calm; at other times it is churned up, muddy, rough. It is here that the mood war is fought, that inner battle which has a hidden influence on everyone’s freedom.” I always believe that life is really a continuous journey, a journey in which, as we go along the way, we always encounter things that are parts of our existence. These things should be given importance because they would always be part of the package of life. We are doing things for a reason, but sometimes we tend to forget how significant those things with regard to our main purpose. In other words, we don’t have the chance to evaluate our intentions and desires of the things we want to do, as long as we enjoy those things.
In Iñigo’s life, every moment or event was given importance and it became his asset as he totally changed his life. What happened to him was a kind of blessing where he realized how to go deeply within himself and acknowledge the presence and the love of Christ. His experience especially when his leg was cut is the reason why he had the chance to ponder deeply with his life. It does not mean that we must also cut our leg in order to go deeply with our selves. I believe that every one of us has the capacity to be aware of our own selves. But many times, we are afraid of looking at those things especially if they are painful in our part. We have the tendency to show that we are okay and we can do everything. But deep within, something happened. Like for example some situations in the seminary or even in the parish, I know that I have something to do to a certain situation but because of fear and doubt, I could not give my help. There are also times that I fee I cannot do those things or I’m doing those things but because also fear, I made to pretend that I can do or I am doing it.
I thought that I already know my self because I already know my weaknesses and strengths. Looking and reflecting on the life of Iñigo and his experiences, I realized that to know one self is a matter of faith response to God. It is said that the journey towards faith is not intellect alone; nor it is a matter of will alone. It may not even a matter of prayer or of searching the scriptures. Faith is a decision- to admit a strange truth above love. That’s why if I am keep on pretending that I am doing things because of fear and pride, nothing will grow within my self. I also realized that in doing the things which I think beneficial to my life and my vocation should be done with all my heart and mind without thinking that I am doing those things because I am force or I am afraid. In other words I do this things because I know that it will my relationship to God more closely.
It is not easy to manage the events in our lives because they are not stable but if we are always conscious that God will not abandon us, like Iñigo, we can see and discover the real meaning of our lives. The changes that we are aiming need a gradual process. A process that always anchored to the one who give as strength and courage to stand and to be fight. Jesus Christ is the only way that we will be closer to our selves and to others in doing things that pleasing in His sight.

Everytime i will be asked about my vocation history